Exterior/Interior, the bright orange bug, day. The Artist and Carlos climb into the back seat. Hank gets into the driver's seat, locks the doors, and starts adjusting the mirrors. He starts talking as he looks through the rear view mirror at his passengers.
Hank: (over his shoulder) You guy's ready?
Carlos: (thumbs up) Set for takeoff.
Artist: Yup
Artist:...thanks for that.
Carlos: What about that one time, junior year, with the liquid acid and the apple jacks?
Artist: Ok, that one was Kevin's fault.
Carlos: (to Hank) Other than that, she can be trusted.
Artist: Yup
Artist:...thanks for that.
Carlos: What about that one time, junior year, with the liquid acid and the apple jacks?
Artist: Ok, that one was Kevin's fault.
Carlos: (to Hank) Other than that, she can be trusted.
She points to a small plush angler fish dangling from the rear-view mirror
Artist: Sweet fish, where'd you get it?
Hank (annoyed) It's not just a fish, it's a Hanklerfish.
Artist: (confused)...what's a Hanklerfish?
Hank: Only the most amazing fish to ever live.
Carlos: An anglerfish is a deep sea creature with a bioluminescent-
Hank: Hanklerfish! It is a fish, created by a Hank. Like myself.
Carlos: (helpfully) When anglerfish breed, the male bites the female on its side and slowly digests it's own body-
Hank: It's always a good time to learn. (spins around, cracks knuckles) Strap yourselves in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Hank: It's always a good time to learn. (spins around, cracks knuckles) Strap yourselves in, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
The engine starts, the radio crackles to life, and "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock starts blasting out of the speakers as Hank peels out.
Carlos: Hey, I know this song!
The Artist turns to look at Carlos, eyebrows raised.
Carlos: My family will be red-blooded Middle Americans til' the day I die, and you're from Texas, so don't give me that look.
Artist: My parents are respectable urbanite scum, thank you very much-
Exterior, intersection day, an SUV screeches to a halt as Hank blows past a stop sign and the line "caught somewhere between a boy and man" plays.
Interior, bright orange bug, day. Carlos and the Artist are gripping the edges of their seats, Carlos speaks up.
Carlos: Holy shit, dude, you just ran a stop sign!
Hank does not respond, he is focused intently on humming along to the chorus.
Artist: (alarmed) Um, hello? Hank?
Hank: So, where are you from, Kevin's friends?
Artist: Oh, well I'm from WATCH THE FRICKING ROAD, YOU MANIAC!
Hank: Hm, can't say I've been there.
Carlos: What's your problem?
Hank: You're in Florida now, get used to maniacs.
Artist: Yeah, where I come from, when we see a big red sign that says "STOP", we step on the breaks and look both ways, not floor it like a bull charging a cape!
Carlos: You know, bulls can be quite gentle when they're well treated.
Artist: Sarcastic, I'll remember that.
There is an audible crack as one of the side mirrors strikes a light post and flies off the vehicle.
Carlos: (trying to sound calm) Good sir, did you happen to notice your mirror just got violently ripped off the vehicle as you almost (increasing panic) collided with a LAMPPOST AND KILLED US ALL OH GOD!
Hank: (surprised) No. Thanks, I'd never have noticed. (looks over at the stump where the mirror used to be) Eh, I never liked that one anyway.
Hank's POV, a sheet of newsprint flies straight into the windshield. Hank turns on the windshield wipers and everyone screams as he swerves to avoid crashing.
Artist/Carlos: (in unison) Stop the car!
Hank: 'Kay.
Hank: 'Kay.
The car pulls into an abandoned parking lot, the music cuts out as he slams the breaks. Everyone jolts forward and slams back. (beat) The Hanklerfish falls onto the dashboard, everyone is too freaked out to notice.
Exterior, parking lot day. Everyone gets out of the car, Carlos and the Artist are still shaking off the experience, just as Carlos is starting to smile the Artist snaps back to reality.
Artist: What the crap was that!
Carlos: (excited) Can we do it again?
Carlos: (excited) Can we do it again?
Hank/Artist: (deadpan/intense; in unison) No!
Hank: Haven't you ever been on the road before? It's a fight to survive, man! Defensive driving!
Carlos: I see the defensive, the driving part is a bit debatable-
Artist: Defensive driving is one thing, that was an all out assault on your fellow drivers!
She grabs the flyer off of the windshield, balls it up, and slams it on the ground in frustration. Carlos quickly sidesteps and picks it up.
Artist: (frustrated/confused) What are you doing?
Carlos: (holds up ball of paper) You're littering.
Hank: That's a very serious thing. (puts on an exaggerated Southern drawl) We don't dare mess with Texas, but if you do it in Florida it's just fine.
Carlos: Preach, brother.
Artist: Both of you shut up and get in the car!
Carlos hops in, Hank walks towards the drivers' seat, but the Artist stops him.
Artist: Nope, after that insanity, you are not driving again. (holds out her hand) Give me the keys.
Hank: Are you serious? You can't drive my car; I barely know you!
Artist: You can't drive your car, and I've known me for 21 years, I can be trusted.
The Artist gets into the drivers' seat.
Hank: (frustrated) Fine.
He stomps over to shotgun. Artist's POV; she notices the Hanklerfish on the dashboard, she picks it up.
Artist: (very seriously) Look at what your reckless driving has wrought! (shakes the plush) You've killed Hanklerfish!!
Hank: (even more seriously) You do realize this is a stuffed toy, right? Are you sure you should be driving?
Artist: (rolls eyes) Just get in the car.
Hank: I mean, with the liquid acid and all-
Artist: In. And that was Kevin's fault.
Hank: Kevin is a nice young man, you take that back!
Carlos: It kind of was, it depends on your perspective. Do you blame the person who started messing with the sensitive lab equipment, or the person who poured it on cereal to see what would happen, or the person who ate all of it-
Artist: Moving. On.
Carlos: Just saying.
Hank: He has a point.
Artist: You weren't there, Hank!
Hank: You are not going to talk to me like that! Get back in the back, and be quiet the rest of the way there!
Carlos: Just saying.
Hank: He has a point.
Artist: You weren't there, Hank!
Hank: You are not going to talk to me like that! Get back in the back, and be quiet the rest of the way there!
He pulls up his shirt to reveal a taser, Carlos and the Artist jump back in surprise. Then, no words, just actions. They slowly get back in the car, Hank gets in the drivers' seat, he puts the Hanklerfish back on the rear view mirror, and starts the engine.
Artist: (cautiously) More Florida precautions?
Hank: You can never be too careful in this town, kid. (spins around to the steering wheel) For example, an angry hipster and a junior mad scientist from out of state might try to steal your car.
Carlos/Artist: Hey, I'm at least a mid-ranking mad scientist!/I wasn't trying to steal it, I was just trying to-
Artist: (to Carlos) Wait, what?
Carlos: Like, I probably could conquer the world, if I really wanted to, but I'd use my powers for good.
The Artist stares at him, not sure if he's being serious, until Hank breaks the silence.
Hank: -or you could run into that guy.
Hank's POV; in the rear view mirror he sees a homeless man waving around an umbrella and shouting "The Meat Man is coming for us all!"
Carlos/Artist: Drive!
The engine roars to life, and the bright orange bug rolls out.
Written by Greg Byrne and Olivia Steva
Formatted by Greg Byrne.
Questions, comments, concerns? Ask us on Twitter at @GregB00 and @olivia_steva
Questions, comments, concerns? Ask us on Twitter at @GregB00 and @olivia_steva
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