| Directed by Josh Trank Written by Josh Trank, Jeremy Slater, and Simon Kinberg |
Alo Party Peoples.
If there's one downside to Marvel Studio's ascendency to the forefront of the blockbuster scene, it's that it has become impossible to get excited for a superhero movie from anyone else. Granted, the competition has pretty frequently dropped the ball, Man of Steel was a complete butchering of the Superman mythos, the X-Men movies (at least not the ones made by Matthew Vaughn) have been okay at best and terrible at worst, and the now defunct Amazing Spider-Man series was such a disaster that Sony now has to share custody of Peter Parker with Disney.
Fant-Four-stic (following in the naming convention of Se-Seven-en and Scre-Four-m) is Fox's desperate attempt to avert that fate. They are contractually obligated to release a Fantastic Four movie within a certain time-frame lest Disney get their toys back, so they slapped this together on the quick to fulfill that contract despite having no ability to do it well and clearly having no respect for or even interest in source material. If not for the title and the names of the five main characters Fant-Four-stic would be completely unrecognizable as a Fantastic Four movie or even as a superhero movie.
To wit, Fant-Four-stic involves a bunch of Millennial college brats being conscripted to work on an inter-dimensional teleporting machine, only to take it out on a joy-ride and end up with horrible mutations as a result- and if that plot synopsis makes you think that this wants to be less like The Avengers' CGI beat-em-up and more like the Space Race inspired pulp sci-fi stories that the comics started out as, Fant-Four-stic will quickly disappoint you with its moody melancholic tone, washed out David Fincher-esque color palette, and by at first treating the powers at first more like PG-13 body horror. (Which is admittedly the only kind of interesting part of the movie)
Fant-Four-stic is so divorced from the comics on both a thematic and aesthetic level that it almost feels like self-parody. "It's clobbering time!", the most gloriously cheesy catchphrase in the entire Marvel canon, here starts out as something that Ben Grimm's abusive brother said to him before beating him. Doctor Doom, possibly the greatest supervillain in the Marvel canon (he's a dictator and a mad scientist, sometimes he's also a wizard, how do you screw that up?) once the movie remembers that he exists after the Budding Superstar Squad left him in the alternate dimension, comes back as a mummified energy monster that looks like it sprung from a moody fourteen year-old's sketchbook.
It also has the production values of a fourteen year-old's sketchbook. It's a shockingly cheap production, since the Army kidnapped the Four and forces them to spend most of the film takes place in an interchangeable underground-bunker set in the middle of stock Vancouver forests. The CGI is so bad and the green-screens so obvious that you'd be forgiven for thinking this was a bad episode of Doctor Who where the actual stars forgot to show up, leaving a bunch of untrained brats to badly stumble their way through bad dialogue.
There isn't even much action, the only real set-piece in the entire movie comes at the very end once Doom shows up and decides to destroy the planet for unexplained motivations with unexplained means, and it's a terrible fight scene. If you can't expect anything else from a crap-tastic summer blockbuster like this, they at least shouldn't be boring, right?
Fant-Four-stic is just plain terrible. The screenplay is pointless, the acting is atrocious, the effects look like they were done in 2006. and it's just so slow, joyless, and devoid of action that it makes the Roger Corman version look like Guardians of the Galaxy by comparison. It's a complete waste of time for everyone involved, I do not recommend it, and you'd be better off doing literally anything else with your time.
It also has the production values of a fourteen year-old's sketchbook. It's a shockingly cheap production, since the Army kidnapped the Four and forces them to spend most of the film takes place in an interchangeable underground-bunker set in the middle of stock Vancouver forests. The CGI is so bad and the green-screens so obvious that you'd be forgiven for thinking this was a bad episode of Doctor Who where the actual stars forgot to show up, leaving a bunch of untrained brats to badly stumble their way through bad dialogue.
There isn't even much action, the only real set-piece in the entire movie comes at the very end once Doom shows up and decides to destroy the planet for unexplained motivations with unexplained means, and it's a terrible fight scene. If you can't expect anything else from a crap-tastic summer blockbuster like this, they at least shouldn't be boring, right?
Fant-Four-stic is just plain terrible. The screenplay is pointless, the acting is atrocious, the effects look like they were done in 2006. and it's just so slow, joyless, and devoid of action that it makes the Roger Corman version look like Guardians of the Galaxy by comparison. It's a complete waste of time for everyone involved, I do not recommend it, and you'd be better off doing literally anything else with your time.
Have a nice day.
Greg.B
FINAL RATING: 1/5
Greg.B
FINAL RATING: 1/5
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